Friday, November 14, 2008

Dear readers, this piece was written for a friends zine. I wish to point out that it is entirely fictional, I have taken stories and ideas and created an article that may be entertaining to read and no point is meant to offend or mimic anyone or any situation, past or present.

This article was prompted by my most recent Halloween costume. I dressed as the “Crazy Ex Girlfriend Everyone Has Dated At Some Point – She looks normal, but will probably kill your cat”.

So recently you started seeing a really lovely boy. Handsome, funny, in the right age bracket and he likes the same music as you. (see previous article – titled “Elitist Bitch”). There comes a moment where one of you initiates “The Talk”. A serious moment in any casual fling, a moment to assess if you are taking it to the next level or merely going to be “Just Friends.” “Just Friends” can potentially suck, because it makes all interactions thereafter awkward, even if you swear it won’t be on either ones part. Or, “Just Friends” can be amazing, you both move on, run into each other and flirt and giggling, having a little in joke that no one else understands as you have seen each other naked, and discussing the weather now is really not a big deal. But there is a whole other article in that alone. So whilst you are enjoying each others company, the non-stop text messages, the constant flirting even sometimes, the sex…. One of you inevitably freaks out and needs to know what exactly is taking place between the two of you. Sometimes, he freaks out because you’ve spent more than two nights hanging out in one week and is terrified of commitment thus he hits you with a variant of the “Its Not You, It’s Me.” You, being too caught up in enjoying this relatively casual affair assume that because things had been going so well that this conversation was not coming, that you would both meander along, until something gave. Well gentle reader, something did give, before you were even on the scene… He explains that he is sorry, but that he just got out of a bad relationship and he isn’t ready to get involved. This response is also known as “My Ex Is Crazy and humans of your gendered persuasion terrify me right now.”

Dear “The Crazy Girl” - Thankyou for fucking it up for the rest of us.

I did some research into what defines the crazy girl. According to popular culture, as seen in the hit TV show “How I Met Your Mother” she has crazy eyes. She appears normal, but underneath that sweet exterior and pearly teeth (she has almost certainly had braces at some point in her life, even worse, she has had them as an adult) is a glint in the eye that says “If you leave me I will break into your house and piss on your bed.”

So I started doing some research into what characteristics it would take to really scare a boy from wanting to commit again.

Here is a list of warning signs –

* She says I love you within the first week of the relationship.
* Her ex approaches you and wishes you good luck.
* She rotates friends annually, and has no friendships that have lasted longer than two years.
* She is obsessed with any of the following people – Oprah, Dr Phil, Tony Robinson.
* She has changed her name legally more than once.
* She has been engaged three or more times.
* She doesn’t like ANY animals.
* She has more than four pets and is obsessed with them.
* If on your first real date she pulls up the back of your shirt and rakes her fingernails across your back and says 'better get used to it”
* The first time you ever have sex she does any of the following – pulls out a collection of vibrators, she puts on the CD to your band or starts with any S & M activity that is heavier than “light play”
* She constantly broods over her intense hatred for her father.
* She finds this article offensive.
* She has been on a diet that has involved eating only up to three kinds of food for an extended period of time (i.e. – eating nothing but cheese for a month).
* She has ever had a restraining order taken out against her.
* She has a really boring name that is usually shorter than 5 letters that sounds right with the word “Psycho” in front of it. Try it, “Psycho Kate” and” Psycho Sam” both work, but something like “Psycho Michaela” or “Psycho Penelope” not so much huh?

Girls, if you do three or more on the list above you should really reconsider your approach to dating, because you are one of the ones potentially ruining it for the rest of us. Boys, if you are seeing someone with five or more of the above traits please leave the country for your own safety.

There are a few categories of ex-girlfriends that may explain why your casual boy wishes to end it before its even begun.
The categories are as follows-

The Crazy Ex That Compulsively Lied To Save The Relationship
The relationship seems to be not working, there is constant fighting, the sex has stopped and The Crazy Ex That Compulsively Lied To Save The Relationship can see his eye starting to wander. Drastic measures are taken to “save” the relationship. Often the following are on the agenda “I am dying” (much like Royal Tenenbaum in the indie hit movie “They Royal Tenenbaums”) and the piece de resistance, “I am pregnant.” Once it’s all passed and the boy realises that she didn’t die, and that there is no baby and those weeks spent worrying about his impending fatherhood were not real or necessary I daresay he will not be interested in starting a new relationship any time soon. Casual or not.

The Crazy Ex That Cheated
This girl left him like a Hank Williams song that had been fucked in the arse by Loretta Lynn with a giant dildo using no lube whatsoever. She broke his heart. He had been loyal to her for years and walked in on her fucking his best friend (or brother – totally interchangeable). Or she could have cheated many times, starting with an innocent drunken kiss with a friend that went too far or maybe ended with confessions of gang bangs on school buses for pornographic purposes. It doesn’t matter. He felt dumb, used and hurt. He is not ready to trust anyone again. Including you.

The Crazy “Stage Five Clinger” Ex.
As described by Vince Vaughn oh so eloquently in the movie “The Wedding Crashers,” there is the girl that clings. With her whole being she drags the man into co-dependence like Tarzan into quicksand. All girls can border on being The Crazy Stage Five Clinger Ex, you sleep with a guy a couple of times, he doesn’t return your calls or messages and you start freaking out thinking you’ve done something wrong. Ultimately the male in this scenario has a responsibility to not freak out and act like a boy and have the insight to see the fine line and whether it has been crossed. A guy that has suffered from The Clinger may repeat stories of how she showed up unannounced on his doorstep wearing nothing but a fur coat and a bow around her neck the day after they met, she made plans solid plans to meet his family after the first week, or perhaps even showed up at his work with a coffee for him which is nice at first but then she shows up at his home again that afternoon. And then again the next day at work. A long term Clinger is something else altogether. She can’t make decisions without consulting him; she freaks out and bans his monthly night out with the boys, she whinges to no end about band practices or football games or anything that doesn’t involve her and only her. She also constantly checks his emails and Facebook to see what he is up to. Once this guy has broken free of the clutches of The Crazy “Stage Five Clinger” Ex he will almost certainly always choose having his new found freedom over sex. You lose. Again.

The Crazy Ex Who Ate His Soul aka The Bitch
This one uses her boy like Cassius Clay would have used Sonny Liston, like a personal punching bag. He loves her, she loves him, and therefore he must put up with her shit. He picks up the fork wrong and she almost comically slaps his hand. She loves to start arguments in public. She hates visiting his family. She “jokingly” tells him to shut up in front of people. She flips out when he buys her the wrong birthday present. She slowly chipped away at his soul, belittling him, and making him feel inferior (whether just by habit, or by some roundabout way to make herself feel better). Essentially she is emotionally abusive, but she describes herself as being “High Maintenance.” These relationships can often go on for long periods of time before the man leaves, or even worse, she leaves him telling him he is not good enough, as from the outside it is difficult to see just how crap it really is. This one is off the market for a while till he rebuilds himself or discovers that they aren’t all like that.

And finally there is the one that any of the above could have become -

The Crazy Ex Who Went Psycho After The Breakup
Lady readers looking here for advice, if the boy you are trying to have relations with, be it casual sex or marriage, has come out of one of these, walk the other way. This man is terrified. You can see it in his eyes. They dart around wondering if The Crazy Ex Who Went Psycho After The Breakup is going to step out from around the corner to scare you off, or to stab him. He gently broke it off, he understood, held her hand, was patient and explained with all sincerity that it wasn’t her, it was him, and that he wanted to be “Just Friends”. Something broke inside her. She raged and roared and acted like the snakes on Medusas head. Seething she threw his stuff out the window, broke his first guitar, set his records on fire. She would appear in his front yard at 3am calling “Here kitty kitty” and ensure he saw her petting his beloved 12 year old tabby. She cried and wailed and blamed him and everyone in the world. She showed up whenever he was on dates with new women and told them he left her pregnant “as a joke.” It makes you wonder though, what exactly made her snap so hard? What was it about this man that broke this admittedly already fragile psycho? Maybe it is wise to just walk away after all….

Essentially, ladies, not all is lost if you have been one of those women. Please, for the love of casual sex and the potential for it to grow into something even more beautiful, chill the fuck out. I call on thee to change your ways, see the light, realise that there is plenty more where that guy came from and you are probably better off without him.

Don’t ruin it for the rest of us!

And gentlemen who are caught in this predicament, too scared to move forward, give yourself a period of time to heal, and if after tha you haven't yet, then man the fuck up and get over it, not all girls are like that and if you were man enough to stand up to The Crazy Bitch in the first place instead of pussying out like you are doing right now by not embarking on this new adventure you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

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